Just so you know, I’m one of those old-school ladies you’ll meet.
Being passionate in writing, I’m fond of literature and letters. Sharing affection through my words brings me joy. It’s like I can make someone feel my love in a creative and unique manner.
Truth be told, long e-mails and text messages aren’t that physically spacious. One can always stream by thy files whenever one wants to read some. But the touch of pen and paper, with bits of colors, will always give soul to the words. The scent and texture of the paper used lingers in one’s hand as the letter is being read, adding impact to the message. It becomes sentimental when being kept for a long time, just like a barrel of wine being stored; the longer being fermented, the better the taste becomes.
Just like what I found in one of Arnold’s books a few days ago- a letter from our second monthsary (June 28, 2016).
It was written in English and Bisaya. As I wrote this, the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach prevailed. This was actually one of the love letters I’ve written that was actually sent to the intended person. The fact that I was able to tell how I feel really satisfied me.
I got really excited when I finished the letter.
The next day, right after our duty (we were having our summer jobs that time), I gave this letter and I got a sweet hug and a forehead kiss in return. His smile as he read the letter really warmed my heart.
It wasn’t an expensive gift. In fact, I only used a few sheets in my notebook and some pens. I kinda got hesitant when I gave the letter to him because it’s not something of high monetary value.
But when he told me that I actually brightened up his day after reading the letter really sufficed the purpose. It became a simple yet a memorable day for us two. Being able to express love to each other is more than enough for us two.
Moments like this are my inspirations in writing. It lifts my spirit whenever I reminisce such moments, giving me the urge to think and write another something; a poem, a story or perhaps another letter.
I’m not claiming myself to be a romantic girl. It’s up to you to label me as one. But all I can say is, simple gestures can lift tons of emotional burdens away, giving rainbows to the ones who needs it to make it through the day. Try writing one too, dear reader.
It’s been a while since the last time I wrote here. How’s life?
A lot of things changed for the past six months of my life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
To those who are connected with Facebook and Twitter accounts, you probably know what I meant.
But for those who don’t know, I’m going to share this very life-changing and faith-shaking experience (not only to me, but to my loved ones).
June 2017. It was during my on-the-job training. Arnold and I started trembling because of pregnancy thoughts and its possible impacts. We fought almost everyday, and my tears fall every night, afraid of the outcome of what we did, if you know what I mean.
We weren’t ready. We’re both students and we are well aware of our limits. Teenagers could get impulsive, you know. We got carried away by our heart’s voices. We did reckless things without even thinking rationally.
Symptoms popped out one by one. I got nauseous and weird food cravings started to occur. My mood swings went beyond normal and I often feel sleepy, even during daytime.
So it was confirmed. I really am pregnant. Shocked and nervous, I did seriously awful things, like planning to abort and lying to my family about the baby’s father. These things led to our break-up and a conflict between our families, which’s probably one of the most painful things I’ve experienced in my entire life.
My stupidity woke me up. I realized how selfish I was back then. It’s a life that I’m carrying and I should be thankful. Not all women get the privilege of motherhood.
It took us five long months for me and Arnold to recover from that devastating memory. Along the way, I focused on my studies and strengthening my relationship with God. Arnold focused on his duties being a Red Cross volunteer. Tears were shed and our beautiful memories kept on hunting us.
There are a lot of people and other factors that held us in between; that slowly brought us back together and I’ll be forever grateful to God for that. Our friends at school showered us with love and support which really helped us get back to our feet. Each time we see each other at school felt like we’re actually inside in a time machine where we aren’t allowed to go out because we’re actually meant to be or to do something. There’s really something between us two that we just couldn’t let go; that our lives will never be complete if we chose to neglect each other permanently.
November 17, 2017- we have won each other’s hearts.
Rebuilding our relationship wasn’t that easy. Even if we officially got back together, it was quite difficult for us to get comfortable with each other’s company. It’s been five long months indeed.
The struggle didn’t end there. We still have our families to take care of. Empathy, deeper understanding and prayers were shown, all for the sake of our baby. Arnold and I really wanted to make this family complete and we can’t make it without the support of our parents, whom back then have deep wounds caused by what has happened. It was really hard that we had to break up again for the sake of our parents.
Each night, I cried and prayed. For I believe that this doesn’t end here. It shouldn’t end here. We’ve reached this far, why are we giving this one up?
We had no choice but to be patient. The situation was beyond our control.
In between those tears and prayers, I couldn’t help it but blame myself. After all, I am the alpha and the omega of this conflict. If it weren’t for me… none of this should’ve happened.
Whenever this feeling occurs, I resort to slitting my wrist and watching it bleed. I don’t know, it’s really satisfying when I’m able to punish myself for all the things I did, for all the hearts I broke, for my selfishness towards our son that is growing in my womb.
December 30, 2017. My prayers were heard. A door was opened for our families. They were able to talk it out. Forgiveness and love surrounded us that night, making it very exciting for me to give birth.
In spite of the result, Arnold and I were still awkward (or was it just me?). I felt guilty for being weak in front of him, for hurting myself. I know how he felt each time he sees wounds in my left arm, even if he doesn’t tell me. I couldn’t even look him in his eyes.
After the talk, I decided to stay quiet and walk ahead of everyone. Yes, I’m really happy and thankful to God for this. My pregnancy will end happily because God gave me and Arnold victory over all of the challenges we’ve been through. But at the same time, I felt extremely exhausted that’s why I couldn’t talk to anyone afterwards. I didn’t even have the energy to smile and greet Arnold, who’s actually walking beside me. All I knew back then is that I needed to steer clear from all of them and give myself a break. I got myself stretched in all aspects and I exerted so much energy.
I took a deep breath as I approached my uncle’s car. To my surprise, Arnold acted like a chauffeur and opened the door for me. I just nodded as he said ‘goodnight’ while closing the door.
I decided not to go home that night. My mom accompanied me to my uncle’s farm and we chose to spend the rest of the night there. Lying in the bed, I couldn’t help but ask God, “What now?”
The next morning, I received a text from Arnold, saying that we’re invited to his brother’s birthday. Part of me rejoiced because we’re talking again, but the other part got afraid… and guilty. There, I realized that I’m not ready to face Arnold. I don’t even know how to begin a conversation with him. I felt really awkward so I decided to decline the invitation.
Arnold kept on texting me for the next few days, telling me ideas that could help for our son’s future. I responded just accordingly, still adjusting to the situation that we are actually in. He invited me to dinner and we even tried sleeping together in the same bed. That moment, the thought that we’re actually becoming a family sunk in. Totally.
I spent the last weeks of my pregnancy with laughter, prayers of praise, and lots of adventures. I never had a dull moment with Arnold, my family and friends. Through them, God made me feel His unconditional love towards me and the little angel He gave us.
January 19, 2018. The big day came.
11:26am, I gave birth to this little angel. I really thought I couldn’t deliver him normally. But God can do miracles (Matthew 19:26). With two long pushes and the love I have for Arnold and our son, I made it. The moment was really priceless.
This series of events changed me. A lot. Every time I tend to reminisce those times, I do it with prayer, thanking God for making it all happened.
So, here’s your wandering demoiselle. A proud and blessed mommy and a wife-to-be.
It was 5 in the afternoon of December 8, 1998 in the ciudad of dreams (Manila, Philippines) when I was born, weighing 8 pounds. According to my papa, I am a fast-learner that’s why I started studying at the age of 4. Kinda unusual, right?
I love to sing and write. I don’t know where or when exactly did I learn those things. It’s like I was born with those abilities and I really thank God for that.
When I was in elementary, I only have few friends. I was usually spaced out because most of my classmates back then were not my jam. I seldom play outside and spent my leisure time on studying, watching anime, writing and playing computer. During those days, I felt frustrated because I felt that I’m not the normal-kid type. I felt like there’s something in me that’s different from other kids.
The realization of the real me began when I was encouraged to join school reciting competitions like declaiming, extemporaneous speech contests and the like. Alongside was the time I learn how to draw, act and dance. My life rolls like that even when I reached high school. Despite the fact that I was being bullied and gossiped due to what they called, my “weirdness” or in my perspective, being different, I didn’t let my self down and instead pushed my self ’til there came a time that I was chosen to be the DJ of our school. I was nicknamed “Ms. Countdown” because of my job not only as a DJ but also the human alarm clock of the campus.
Since then, I made lots of friends and at the same time, more bashers. I guess that’s normal, for someone who became known in a wide campus. But that didn’t bothered me. I really enjoyed my job and I got my speaking skills enhanced and my confidence boosted, which became essentials in surviving college.
I dreamed of studying in the top university of our country but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to pass the entrance exam. So I decided to study in our local university, taking the course Entrepreneurial Marketing. College world is totally different from high school. Bigger campus, so many buildings and strangers,… But what I liked the most is that, my new friends accepted me for who I am. I never experienced bullying from any of my colleagues. I even got the chance to be in the Dean’s List because I’m surrounded by students with ambitions and the perseverance to succeed, which made me motivated and inspired.
There, I realized that I really am a UNIQUE person and according to the people around me, it’s because of me being outspoken, confident, and deeply imaginative.
I called myself the “Wandering Demoiselle” because I’m wandering not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually.
I’ve been to many places and I’ve experienced so many things. I also got the chance to encounter different people who became the reason I am striving so hard right now.
I thank God for the experiences I had back then. If it weren’t for those, I wouldn’t be able to stand where I am standing right now. I feel blessed to be given a wonderful and a worth-living life.
So that’s me. You’ll get to know more about me as I slowly write my life down on this blog.