Just so you know, I’m one of those old-school ladies you’ll meet.
Being passionate in writing, I’m fond of literature and letters. Sharing affection through my words brings me joy. It’s like I can make someone feel my love in a creative and unique manner.
Truth be told, long e-mails and text messages aren’t that physically spacious. One can always stream by thy files whenever one wants to read some. But the touch of pen and paper, with bits of colors, will always give soul to the words. The scent and texture of the paper used lingers in one’s hand as the letter is being read, adding impact to the message. It becomes sentimental when being kept for a long time, just like a barrel of wine being stored; the longer being fermented, the better the taste becomes.
Just like what I found in one of Arnold’s books a few days ago- a letter from our second monthsary (June 28, 2016).
It was written in English and Bisaya. As I wrote this, the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach prevailed. This was actually one of the love letters I’ve written that was actually sent to the intended person. The fact that I was able to tell how I feel really satisfied me.
I got really excited when I finished the letter.
The next day, right after our duty (we were having our summer jobs that time), I gave this letter and I got a sweet hug and a forehead kiss in return. His smile as he read the letter really warmed my heart.
It wasn’t an expensive gift. In fact, I only used a few sheets in my notebook and some pens. I kinda got hesitant when I gave the letter to him because it’s not something of high monetary value.
But when he told me that I actually brightened up his day after reading the letter really sufficed the purpose. It became a simple yet a memorable day for us two. Being able to express love to each other is more than enough for us two.
Moments like this are my inspirations in writing. It lifts my spirit whenever I reminisce such moments, giving me the urge to think and write another something; a poem, a story or perhaps another letter.
I’m not claiming myself to be a romantic girl. It’s up to you to label me as one. But all I can say is, simple gestures can lift tons of emotional burdens away, giving rainbows to the ones who needs it to make it through the day. Try writing one too, dear reader.
It’s been a while since the last time I wrote here. How’s life?
A lot of things changed for the past six months of my life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
To those who are connected with Facebook and Twitter accounts, you probably know what I meant.
But for those who don’t know, I’m going to share this very life-changing and faith-shaking experience (not only to me, but to my loved ones).
June 2017. It was during my on-the-job training. Arnold and I started trembling because of pregnancy thoughts and its possible impacts. We fought almost everyday, and my tears fall every night, afraid of the outcome of what we did, if you know what I mean.
We weren’t ready. We’re both students and we are well aware of our limits. Teenagers could get impulsive, you know. We got carried away by our heart’s voices. We did reckless things without even thinking rationally.
Symptoms popped out one by one. I got nauseous and weird food cravings started to occur. My mood swings went beyond normal and I often feel sleepy, even during daytime.
So it was confirmed. I really am pregnant. Shocked and nervous, I did seriously awful things, like planning to abort and lying to my family about the baby’s father. These things led to our break-up and a conflict between our families, which’s probably one of the most painful things I’ve experienced in my entire life.
My stupidity woke me up. I realized how selfish I was back then. It’s a life that I’m carrying and I should be thankful. Not all women get the privilege of motherhood.
It took us five long months for me and Arnold to recover from that devastating memory. Along the way, I focused on my studies and strengthening my relationship with God. Arnold focused on his duties being a Red Cross volunteer. Tears were shed and our beautiful memories kept on hunting us.
There are a lot of people and other factors that held us in between; that slowly brought us back together and I’ll be forever grateful to God for that. Our friends at school showered us with love and support which really helped us get back to our feet. Each time we see each other at school felt like we’re actually inside in a time machine where we aren’t allowed to go out because we’re actually meant to be or to do something. There’s really something between us two that we just couldn’t let go; that our lives will never be complete if we chose to neglect each other permanently.
November 17, 2017- we have won each other’s hearts.
Rebuilding our relationship wasn’t that easy. Even if we officially got back together, it was quite difficult for us to get comfortable with each other’s company. It’s been five long months indeed.
The struggle didn’t end there. We still have our families to take care of. Empathy, deeper understanding and prayers were shown, all for the sake of our baby. Arnold and I really wanted to make this family complete and we can’t make it without the support of our parents, whom back then have deep wounds caused by what has happened. It was really hard that we had to break up again for the sake of our parents.
Each night, I cried and prayed. For I believe that this doesn’t end here. It shouldn’t end here. We’ve reached this far, why are we giving this one up?
We had no choice but to be patient. The situation was beyond our control.
In between those tears and prayers, I couldn’t help it but blame myself. After all, I am the alpha and the omega of this conflict. If it weren’t for me… none of this should’ve happened.
Whenever this feeling occurs, I resort to slitting my wrist and watching it bleed. I don’t know, it’s really satisfying when I’m able to punish myself for all the things I did, for all the hearts I broke, for my selfishness towards our son that is growing in my womb.
December 30, 2017. My prayers were heard. A door was opened for our families. They were able to talk it out. Forgiveness and love surrounded us that night, making it very exciting for me to give birth.
In spite of the result, Arnold and I were still awkward (or was it just me?). I felt guilty for being weak in front of him, for hurting myself. I know how he felt each time he sees wounds in my left arm, even if he doesn’t tell me. I couldn’t even look him in his eyes.
After the talk, I decided to stay quiet and walk ahead of everyone. Yes, I’m really happy and thankful to God for this. My pregnancy will end happily because God gave me and Arnold victory over all of the challenges we’ve been through. But at the same time, I felt extremely exhausted that’s why I couldn’t talk to anyone afterwards. I didn’t even have the energy to smile and greet Arnold, who’s actually walking beside me. All I knew back then is that I needed to steer clear from all of them and give myself a break. I got myself stretched in all aspects and I exerted so much energy.
I took a deep breath as I approached my uncle’s car. To my surprise, Arnold acted like a chauffeur and opened the door for me. I just nodded as he said ‘goodnight’ while closing the door.
I decided not to go home that night. My mom accompanied me to my uncle’s farm and we chose to spend the rest of the night there. Lying in the bed, I couldn’t help but ask God, “What now?”
The next morning, I received a text from Arnold, saying that we’re invited to his brother’s birthday. Part of me rejoiced because we’re talking again, but the other part got afraid… and guilty. There, I realized that I’m not ready to face Arnold. I don’t even know how to begin a conversation with him. I felt really awkward so I decided to decline the invitation.
Arnold kept on texting me for the next few days, telling me ideas that could help for our son’s future. I responded just accordingly, still adjusting to the situation that we are actually in. He invited me to dinner and we even tried sleeping together in the same bed. That moment, the thought that we’re actually becoming a family sunk in. Totally.
I spent the last weeks of my pregnancy with laughter, prayers of praise, and lots of adventures. I never had a dull moment with Arnold, my family and friends. Through them, God made me feel His unconditional love towards me and the little angel He gave us.
January 19, 2018. The big day came.
11:26am, I gave birth to this little angel. I really thought I couldn’t deliver him normally. But God can do miracles (Matthew 19:26). With two long pushes and the love I have for Arnold and our son, I made it. The moment was really priceless.
This series of events changed me. A lot. Every time I tend to reminisce those times, I do it with prayer, thanking God for making it all happened.
So, here’s your wandering demoiselle. A proud and blessed mommy and a wife-to-be.
We all have these roller coasters in life that visit us randomly, on the times when we least expect it. Strengths and weaknesses are witnessed, tears and frustrations are shown. Different perspectives and levels of understanding are then expressed, but only a few help a person in making it through.
Choosing the right people to trust during hurricanes is difficult. This world is getting toxic day by day, and there’s no assurance of having permanent emotional shelters. Being alone while facing trials is not good either. Too much selfishness can cause one to self-destruct in so many ways.
Freedom of choice. Everyone has this.
Freedom to choose what to believe, what to do, where to go, who to talk to… It is indeed true that in this very gruesome world, the only one whom one can depend to, and at the same time, one’s greatest enemy, is thy self. Time and external factors can influence, but the remote control is found within one’s self.
No one’s perfect. One’s strength are always meant to fill in other people’s gaps and vice versa. Hence, judgments, even if it’s given, should be avoided as much as possible. Surviving should be done by enhancing one’s edges, not by pulling each other down with each others’ weaknesses.
We are all flawed after all, but mindset changes and empathy can truly help. A lot.
How would you remind yourself on being a human being?
It’s really sad to say this, but teenage suicide is actually becoming epidemic, not just an ordinary trend. Some blames the internet for the influence. Some says that it’s the devil himself, calling people to forget their faiths in the One Above and take their own lives. I honestly don’t know which really is the which, even if I actually tried killing myself out of the blue.
A lot of social media posts, seminars and other activities have been done by people to raise awareness about teenage suicide. Many discussions have been triggered to create avenues to reach out to teens who are on the verge of losing themselves in the middle of depression (usually caused by bullying and being misunderstood). Sure, there were a lot who were saved by such actions, but it wasn’t enough.
Even if a lot of us are aware of teenage suicide, many of us too, still do such cruel, hurtful actions that led the youth to be astray.
What Are The Common Factors That Can Lead To Suicide?
Previous suicide attempt(s)
Psychological and mental disorders, especially depression and other mood disorders, schizophrenia, and social anxiety
This thing usually starts in a household, then is being worsen in the school campus. Suicide may be a choice, but aren’t we supposed to help the youth not to resort to this action?
Netflix adapted a book published by Jay Asher. The book was about a girl, Hannah Baker who committed suicide after suffering a series of demoralizing circumstances brought on by select individuals at her school. Days before she died, she creatively recorded tapes, emphasizing thirteen reasons why she ended her life. With the help of a good friend, Tony, the tapes were disseminated among 12 people who did hurtful things and misunderstood her. When the tapes reached Clay Jensen, Hannah’s friend and secret admirer, he unwraps the truth behind each tape and takes the journey together with Tony towards claiming justice for Hannah and the rest of the students who were mistreated.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, 13 REASONS WHY.
Asher’s Book Cover
The book was released on 2007, gaining many awards being the young adult’s book of choice and at the same time, criticisms for some had thought that the book was romanticizing suicide when Asher’s objective was to further awaken the society about the gruesome truth about majority of teenagers’ minds, actions and its effects to one another.
The Netflix series aired worldwide on March 31, 2017. The first season has 13 episodes (hence, having the ratio of one episode for each tape). Dylan Minnette (Clay) and Katherine Langford (Hannah) were praised for the good portrayal of the lead characters. The scenes were so realistic that it led to controversies about the graphic suicide scene and the explicit portrayal of the rape scenes. As for Selena Gomez, who’s one of the series’ producer, they just religiously followed what’s in the book (in fact, improved it) so that the series would be eye-catching enough to spark discussions about suicide. They just couldn’t hide the truth behind a suicidal person’s mind, that’s why they really made the scenes graphic to wake people. Along with psychiatrists, they watched the actors and actresses while doing the scenes after doing intensive studies about each role and how do they relate to this generation’s teens.
The series was really an eye-opener. The plot was well written, which made it not an eye-sore to watch (in fact I binge-watch this whenever I feel like I need motivation). Fresh and good-looking actors were able to justify each role, which means their hard work and intense preparations really paid off. About the graphic scenes, I guess the production really made a good choice of making it graphic because that’s the reality. We can’t shy away from these moments. The authorities who are supposed to help families get through such problems said that this series really romanticized suicide, hence a lot of teenagers resort to killing themselves even more because Hannah Baker was able to do it. Isn’t this supposed to be a challenge to them, to be more vigilant and open to teenagers, especially the ones who are suffering from mistreatment and depression? Jay Asher and Netflix really served their purposes. They were able to raise awareness even higher in a creative manner. I honestly can’t wait for the second season (which will be aired on 2018). I do believe that this series will leave marks to the people, particularly the teenagers.
Who slits her wrist every fuckin’ night, drowns her soul in alcohol, overthinks even only because of the smallest of things and shuts the door because she fears to trust. Pillows and blankets she wet, hoping to pull out thorns and lighten the burden.
That same girl, who expected a lot from people whom she thought would stay, yet left her alone when the storm visited. Who tried to cry for help but was misunderstood for she wasn’t able to express well.
Who was she to be blamed for all of the things that has happened to her? Was it really her fault that she’s now fueled with sadness and anger?
Was it really her fault when a stranger took her light away and made his way through? Was it a mistake, getting eaten by cowardliness causing her not to speak up about the truth as soon as possible? Was it, people?
Is it wrong to try healing all by thy self, so that her hopes of not being a burden to the people she (loves) thought that would stay by her side when she explodes, like a balloon which couldn’t hold much air inside?
The thing is, you people stick so much with ideals when you also believe that no one’s destined to be perfect. Doesn’t that make you hypocrites, causing further chaos to the ones whose lifelines are getting brittle day by day? Please, people. At least try to her her out instead of throwing judgements.
As for you, young beautiful woman, it was never your fault. Fear’s always a legit reason for all of your miseries. Who would have wanted or expected life to go too fast? There are 7 billion people in this world and there will always be that one person who will listen. You can think of me as one.
If you leave your town, it doesn’t make you a coward. It means you want to give life a second chance. There are some many things in life, and so many people like you; like us. Go on, my dear. Continue living. As long as air runs through your lungs, it will be never too late to start over. I love you.
I know that, I know that
She did it, She didn’t,
Mean it, She meant to
Show love when she loved you
I know that, I knew that
She fell for a dreamer
I fell when she fell
And we fell in forever
She said she was sorry
My anger was envy
My thirst was an engine
I wanted to begin
Again and I know that
I hate her, I liked her
I want her, I loved her
My lung’s irritated
My sense, agitated
My core lying wasted
You’re eyes are a forest
And I’m in the woods again
And again, it just sinks in my mind
Again and again, and I’m trying to fight it
I’ll never endeavor to look for another
You’re my collider, the reason I’m everywhere
You impact, I impact, we sparkle and shatter
You lost track, I’m intact, My hands are together
I get it, I’m neither a loved or a lover
I’m just a moment but you’re my forever.
This was written by my friend. He’s a lowkey-type of guy and he has passion for music, literature and serving the campus in his way (he has this habit of picking up garbage/s whenever he sees one or two). I began admiring him since I met him on TINGOG. He was supposed to run this KASAMA elections but he said that he decided to prioritize his family first.
To the stargazer, keep writing bro! You’re inspiring a lot of people through your works and I just want you to know that… I’m your secret fan.
Hello! It’s been a while since the last time I wrote an update. People have been wondering lately about my dormant status in the blogverse. I have been really busy at school since midterms. Paper-working, guidance office duties, sales-talking and… I know you wouldn’t believe this. I’m a candidate for the position of a board member in our college under the banner of TINGOG- Transparency, Integrity, Good Governance. Been campaigning for 5 days straight and I’m having fun, despite the fact that this is really exhausting.
Anyway, I’ll catch up as soon as the finals will be over. I really missed being a bed potato with my laptop, writing here. I’ll be right back!