You Were Never Ready To Love Me

I just realized how funny all of your promises were… when you left me in the midst of my battle against my self. You said you’ll be there to help, listen and be my companion just like what I was able to give you. I was too stupid and shallow to believe.

Blinded by your actions, I offered my heart and soul. My hopes that you will be the one who will complete my puzzles were really that high. I wasn’t able to contain myself of the joy you brought, that it led me to the destruction of myself and of all the things that we have. Was it really my fault that I am THIS vulnerable and honest?

Stupidity, that’s what you might/will call this. I was too foolish to think that all of the things I have… I had, rather, are all part of this one beautiful fairy tale with a joyous ending. I was too open about myself, that you were able to know where my weak spots reside. I was too ambitious to dream for a life that’s so perfect, with you being part of it.

But of course. Hurricanes come. They were meant to be be understood for us to learn and become stronger. But not all hurricanes were meant to be faced alone. That’s what we have “stood for” through social media, seminars and even in classrooms. Ironically, only a few only understood its relevance in surviving.

First impressions about a certain issue can be really deceiving especially to those who have shallow understanding, who pretends to understand yet throws judgement afterwards. Almost everything in this world are subjective, which, to me, is one another hurtful bullshit. We often say that we should respect one another’s thoughts but then again, not all convert their words into actions.

Now,  a strong hurricane gave me a month-long visit. It was really a devastating one, that it caused me to shut myself (which I thought would be the correct decision). Confusion, wet pillows and nightmares, starring that drunk and disgusting guy who made his way through, haunted me, but I was a good actress; I pretended that nothing’s wrong with me. I was still the same on the outside, but there are times that my tears leak on its own. A lot of questions were asked, but none of them gave me the encouragement to put my experience in words. At those moments, my doubts about the possible outcomes of my explosion troubled me, hence pulling me downward to the point of just keeping it a secret, even to the people who matters to me.

But secrets were never meant to be kept forever. The after-effects of my actions showed up slowly, and the nightmares became worse. I realized, I couldn’t keep this forever. I badly need help. The burden was too much for my young self to carry. So I ran to my family and cried for apology, a second chance and emotional assistance. My parents hugged me, which pulled a thorn from my frail heart. They assured me that they’ll stay because they love me, their only unica hija. My father reminded me that his only strength to go on is us, which woke me up to the notion that I have to toughen up too.

Next thing I did, I told my friends and a special guy about what happened (well not all though, because not all parts were not supposed to be shared). Some of my friends believed, but when that special guy told them about the chances of him being the father of the child I’m bearing, they turned their backs on me. They left… All of them fuckin’ left on the very same time when I needed them the most! Even that special guy’s family thrown judgement just because I didn’t speak as soon as it all happened. My wounds in my arms multiplied within an hour. I got stuck between living and dying instantly. I felt that my life’s not worthy to be given another day. All of these, happened in just a month. Too fast, isn’t it?

Their broken promises, disappearance and the possibility of me being hated in the school made me decide to leave. I couldn’t afford further damages, that’s why I begged to my family for me to be taken away from that city.

People blamed me because I’m like this; a person who is sensitive but couldn’t speak about her problems. I have my reasons why. I don’t want to be a burden to someone else, especially to the people whom I thought mattered.


 

I decided to take a break after those times. I flew to Manila to see my guy bestfriend. He knew the whole thing, and he stayed. He even stopped me from slitting my wrist to bleed. He stayed despite of heavy rains and tight schedules. The fact that we’ve known each other since childhood made him understand me easily. He held my hand, and made me promise to live not only for my family, but for him. He wiped my tears with his own hands and gave me kisses for me to have something to cherish. At least, something good happened in the midst of my struggles. That little flint of hope became bigger. I was able to witness sunshines after a long time full of nimbus clouds and thunderstorms.


To the people who broke me, fuck you. You say to others that one should not be afraid to be thy self. Now that I reveal my true self, you left. How hypocrite. I thought you would understand. I was able to understand you, why not do the same for me?

This imperfections of mine will take a long time for me to be changed, just so you know. These scars you gave me, I doubt it would fade. Thank you for waking me up; for making me realized that you were never ready to love me.

 

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